Diary Entry - August 6th 2010 (Continued…)

“Hey Dan…..” I said excitedly and he shrugs, I put so much effort into giving him the warmest welcome and all I get is a shrug I really would box him up right about now since my hormone levels are so high and I’m easily offended but I’ll let it slide since I’m trying to make a good impression. “I’ve made dinner for us” I tried to say it in the sweetest way possible “really..? So which restaurant is it from?” we both laughed then I replied “Chung’s” we both had a moment we laughed together and for that moment it felt so good.

This is the most awkward dinner I’ve ever had in my life we started out ok laughing and things then it just turned into utter silence like somebody just pressed mute on us. I can literally hear everything outside I have to break the silence before I die of boredom “so how’s life” I asked him “life’s good just trying to get on with it how’s the baby” “the baby is fine your gonna have a son and I’m fine too by the way thanks for asking” I can’t believe he didn’t even think to ask if I’m doing ok but at least he cares about his son “I was getting to that actually but you just love jumping down people’s throats, so I’m having a son that’s cool” he reached  over to my belly and rubbed my belly he did something I never thought he would do he kissed my belly and told our baby “I love you” I had tears in my eyes all I could see was this beautiful picture of the perfect family me him and baby, I needed that image to come true. I hope things change soon before the baby comes iI don't want to bring my child into a hostile environment.

The night is almost through and I’m almost positive it went great I don’t want to come on too strong so ill leave the whole getting back together to a later date I want things to be perfect he kissed me on the cheek and then he went home. I felt so relieve we didn’t argue once we even laughed and that’s a bonus I don’t want to sound cocky but I think that maybe just maybe he wants me back too, the way he looked at me you could tell their was still some feelings there. He seemed really interested in the baby and even more so when I told him we were having a boy.

I couldn’t wait for my mom to get in so I could tell her what happened but my mom didn’t seem interested she seems so fed up these days I wish I knew what was wrong with her she used to be so excited about having her first grandchild but now it’s like she’s bored with the whole situation.

Diary Entry - August 6th 2010

After wrecking my brain thinking about the whole situation with Dan I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I am very stupid like seriously retarded I just let him walk out of my life without fighting, I mean come on I really didn’t think it through did I my baby boy needs a father in his life and I’m going to get him back I’m not saying ill start going crazy and do whatever comes to mind without thinking that’s the kind of thing that serial killers do I’m not the type… yet! Now all I’ve got to do is think of a way I’m going to pull this off without being hurt even more than I already am at this moment but if I don’t try I will never know right?

I really should think about the fact that he has moved on but seriously I’m carrying his baby in my belly and it’s not an easy job he owes me at least a conversation to try and make things right, and even that wouldn’t compare to the backache, chest pains and not to mention the big bump in front of me which is kind of,, VERY hard to hide so I’m going to call him.

Ring RING RING!!!! Thump THUMP THUMP!!! I feel like I’m in a horror movie it’s like someone is about to come round the corner and chop my head off but they are holding me in suspense. My heart is just pumping faster and harder now I swear I can actually hear it beat. He answered but he didn’t say anything he must have recognized the number or maybe he didn’t delete it in the first place. “hey Dan, I just wanted to speak to you about the baby could we meet up tomorrow” yeah I know I shouldn’t use the baby as an excuse but that’s the only thing I’ve got right now that could possibly help me “OK” he replied “I’ll meet you at your place around 4” then he just hung up the phone I mean how rude can he be but he agreed guess he has every right to be mad at me fingers crossed everything will go well tomorrow I wonder if I should cook or something what do those girls usually do in the movies I think I might pull a Sex and the City stunt on him see if that works there must be something that movies are good for tomorrow will be a big day for me and you son I can’t wait!

Its 3 o’clock and I’m so nervous I really have no clue what I’m going to say to him I thought I would know but this isn’t something small this is getting my family together do what’s right for me and the baby. I’m going to make us a nice meal courtesy of Chung’s Restaurant of course come on I’m trying to win him back not drive him further away with my horrible cooking skills I’m not risking it takeout it is he won’t have to know ill burn the evidence before hand.

It’s now 4:05 the food is shared on the table with a glass of wine and orange juice for me of course no light music though that’s just a little bit too much. He is 5 minutes late but that’s just how he usually is he likes to be dramatic I’m used to it by now. All this waiting is making me nervous right now my heart is beating so hard and I guess my boy is nervous too because he keeps kicking me think I have the next David Beckham hatching in my stomach. Oh god a car just parked outside my house and I think it’s him, oh yup it’s him his dark blue Vauxhall Corsa. As he walked up to the door I was already there waiting for him so I could open the door then I realized I’m looking a bit too desperate so I waiting a few more seconds after he knocked for me to open the door. “Hey Dan…..”

Diary Entry - July 29th 2010

Today I find out the gender of my baby I really don’t know whether to be excited or afraid if it’s a boy he won’t have that father figure in his life since I ran Dan away who knows if he’s going to want to be a part of this baby’s life or not I still kick myself for my actions but that’s the way life goes if we are meant to be together maybe the future will change for the better. But what if I’m having a girl who’s going to be her role model I’m not exactly the best person for anyone’s child never mind mine to look up to. Well whatever it is I will try my best to make sure he/she doesn’t turn out the way I did. For the first time in a long while today I will be going by myself to the scan well at least I’ll have my baby kicking me keeping me company sad right but I guess I got to get used to it just being us two ahhh… the life.

Stepping into the maternity area was like walking into high school for the first time I’ve never seen so many young people here in my life it’s like a growing disease everybody is getting pregnant I know I shouldn’t be the one to judge but I’m in college some of these girls doesn’t even look like they know what sex even is and as you can guess most of them are alone like me difference is I didn’t have to be by myself today god when am I going to get over it move on Sash he’s gone!

Every time without fail when I’m sat here waiting to be seen my heart skips so many beats I feel like I’m going to pass out with worry I always fear that something is wrong, always thinking the worse what if the baby is not ok, what will I do then. “Sash-Kay Jenkins” finally my name has been called all these crying babies were starting to drive me mad I never understood why kids were allowed in here scaring all the first time moms I can see most people have that stink worried look on their face like ‘OMG this is what my life is going to be like’ I just try not to think about it it’s too late to change my mind now.

“Hi how are you doing this morning” the nurse asks me “I’m doing great” I replied I was totally6 lying my back hurts my feet hurt I feel like a walking hazard plus I really do not like this nurse she always has some fake attitude I don’t like that just be real if you hate your job why are you here anyway making everyone else miserable its suppose to be a happy time new life and all don’t need miss grumpy putting moods down got to give her props she tries to look happy but I guess not everyone can act. Here goes the sex of my baby coming up I have no idea what she’s doing I think she’s trying to find my baby’s private parts that sounds kind of pervy doesn’t it HA! “here we go…” she found it my heart starts beating faster “your having a boy!” wow she sounds more excited than I do ok so I’m having a boy waiting to smile, I can’t smile I guess I’m happy but I really wish Dan was here now who’s going to teach him the man things cause I’m still having trouble figuring them out myself. I guess I’m just going to have to work that out as I go along before I left she gave me some photo’s of the scan I’m not very fond of them cause every time I look at one I feel like I’m carrying an alien in my womb weird but yes you never know Dan could have some secrets hidden in his closet right LOL. “Make sure to take it easy Sash” wish I could but drama and stress has become my life.

As I was walking out the hospital you wouldn’t guess who I saw Dan with his hand around a girl I suspect that’s his new woman, my heart sank I literally stopped breathing for a second I couldn’t move I was in a temporary stand still then there it was tears started falling from my eyes breathe Sash breathe please!!