Diary Entry - August 6th 2010 (Continued…)

“Hey Dan…..” I said excitedly and he shrugs, I put so much effort into giving him the warmest welcome and all I get is a shrug I really would box him up right about now since my hormone levels are so high and I’m easily offended but I’ll let it slide since I’m trying to make a good impression. “I’ve made dinner for us” I tried to say it in the sweetest way possible “really..? So which restaurant is it from?” we both laughed then I replied “Chung’s” we both had a moment we laughed together and for that moment it felt so good.

This is the most awkward dinner I’ve ever had in my life we started out ok laughing and things then it just turned into utter silence like somebody just pressed mute on us. I can literally hear everything outside I have to break the silence before I die of boredom “so how’s life” I asked him “life’s good just trying to get on with it how’s the baby” “the baby is fine your gonna have a son and I’m fine too by the way thanks for asking” I can’t believe he didn’t even think to ask if I’m doing ok but at least he cares about his son “I was getting to that actually but you just love jumping down people’s throats, so I’m having a son that’s cool” he reached  over to my belly and rubbed my belly he did something I never thought he would do he kissed my belly and told our baby “I love you” I had tears in my eyes all I could see was this beautiful picture of the perfect family me him and baby, I needed that image to come true. I hope things change soon before the baby comes iI don't want to bring my child into a hostile environment.

The night is almost through and I’m almost positive it went great I don’t want to come on too strong so ill leave the whole getting back together to a later date I want things to be perfect he kissed me on the cheek and then he went home. I felt so relieve we didn’t argue once we even laughed and that’s a bonus I don’t want to sound cocky but I think that maybe just maybe he wants me back too, the way he looked at me you could tell their was still some feelings there. He seemed really interested in the baby and even more so when I told him we were having a boy.

I couldn’t wait for my mom to get in so I could tell her what happened but my mom didn’t seem interested she seems so fed up these days I wish I knew what was wrong with her she used to be so excited about having her first grandchild but now it’s like she’s bored with the whole situation.

Diary Entry - August 6th 2010

After wrecking my brain thinking about the whole situation with Dan I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I am very stupid like seriously retarded I just let him walk out of my life without fighting, I mean come on I really didn’t think it through did I my baby boy needs a father in his life and I’m going to get him back I’m not saying ill start going crazy and do whatever comes to mind without thinking that’s the kind of thing that serial killers do I’m not the type… yet! Now all I’ve got to do is think of a way I’m going to pull this off without being hurt even more than I already am at this moment but if I don’t try I will never know right?

I really should think about the fact that he has moved on but seriously I’m carrying his baby in my belly and it’s not an easy job he owes me at least a conversation to try and make things right, and even that wouldn’t compare to the backache, chest pains and not to mention the big bump in front of me which is kind of,, VERY hard to hide so I’m going to call him.

Ring RING RING!!!! Thump THUMP THUMP!!! I feel like I’m in a horror movie it’s like someone is about to come round the corner and chop my head off but they are holding me in suspense. My heart is just pumping faster and harder now I swear I can actually hear it beat. He answered but he didn’t say anything he must have recognized the number or maybe he didn’t delete it in the first place. “hey Dan, I just wanted to speak to you about the baby could we meet up tomorrow” yeah I know I shouldn’t use the baby as an excuse but that’s the only thing I’ve got right now that could possibly help me “OK” he replied “I’ll meet you at your place around 4” then he just hung up the phone I mean how rude can he be but he agreed guess he has every right to be mad at me fingers crossed everything will go well tomorrow I wonder if I should cook or something what do those girls usually do in the movies I think I might pull a Sex and the City stunt on him see if that works there must be something that movies are good for tomorrow will be a big day for me and you son I can’t wait!

Its 3 o’clock and I’m so nervous I really have no clue what I’m going to say to him I thought I would know but this isn’t something small this is getting my family together do what’s right for me and the baby. I’m going to make us a nice meal courtesy of Chung’s Restaurant of course come on I’m trying to win him back not drive him further away with my horrible cooking skills I’m not risking it takeout it is he won’t have to know ill burn the evidence before hand.

It’s now 4:05 the food is shared on the table with a glass of wine and orange juice for me of course no light music though that’s just a little bit too much. He is 5 minutes late but that’s just how he usually is he likes to be dramatic I’m used to it by now. All this waiting is making me nervous right now my heart is beating so hard and I guess my boy is nervous too because he keeps kicking me think I have the next David Beckham hatching in my stomach. Oh god a car just parked outside my house and I think it’s him, oh yup it’s him his dark blue Vauxhall Corsa. As he walked up to the door I was already there waiting for him so I could open the door then I realized I’m looking a bit too desperate so I waiting a few more seconds after he knocked for me to open the door. “Hey Dan…..”

Diary Entry - July 29th 2010

Today I find out the gender of my baby I really don’t know whether to be excited or afraid if it’s a boy he won’t have that father figure in his life since I ran Dan away who knows if he’s going to want to be a part of this baby’s life or not I still kick myself for my actions but that’s the way life goes if we are meant to be together maybe the future will change for the better. But what if I’m having a girl who’s going to be her role model I’m not exactly the best person for anyone’s child never mind mine to look up to. Well whatever it is I will try my best to make sure he/she doesn’t turn out the way I did. For the first time in a long while today I will be going by myself to the scan well at least I’ll have my baby kicking me keeping me company sad right but I guess I got to get used to it just being us two ahhh… the life.

Stepping into the maternity area was like walking into high school for the first time I’ve never seen so many young people here in my life it’s like a growing disease everybody is getting pregnant I know I shouldn’t be the one to judge but I’m in college some of these girls doesn’t even look like they know what sex even is and as you can guess most of them are alone like me difference is I didn’t have to be by myself today god when am I going to get over it move on Sash he’s gone!

Every time without fail when I’m sat here waiting to be seen my heart skips so many beats I feel like I’m going to pass out with worry I always fear that something is wrong, always thinking the worse what if the baby is not ok, what will I do then. “Sash-Kay Jenkins” finally my name has been called all these crying babies were starting to drive me mad I never understood why kids were allowed in here scaring all the first time moms I can see most people have that stink worried look on their face like ‘OMG this is what my life is going to be like’ I just try not to think about it it’s too late to change my mind now.

“Hi how are you doing this morning” the nurse asks me “I’m doing great” I replied I was totally6 lying my back hurts my feet hurt I feel like a walking hazard plus I really do not like this nurse she always has some fake attitude I don’t like that just be real if you hate your job why are you here anyway making everyone else miserable its suppose to be a happy time new life and all don’t need miss grumpy putting moods down got to give her props she tries to look happy but I guess not everyone can act. Here goes the sex of my baby coming up I have no idea what she’s doing I think she’s trying to find my baby’s private parts that sounds kind of pervy doesn’t it HA! “here we go…” she found it my heart starts beating faster “your having a boy!” wow she sounds more excited than I do ok so I’m having a boy waiting to smile, I can’t smile I guess I’m happy but I really wish Dan was here now who’s going to teach him the man things cause I’m still having trouble figuring them out myself. I guess I’m just going to have to work that out as I go along before I left she gave me some photo’s of the scan I’m not very fond of them cause every time I look at one I feel like I’m carrying an alien in my womb weird but yes you never know Dan could have some secrets hidden in his closet right LOL. “Make sure to take it easy Sash” wish I could but drama and stress has become my life.

As I was walking out the hospital you wouldn’t guess who I saw Dan with his hand around a girl I suspect that’s his new woman, my heart sank I literally stopped breathing for a second I couldn’t move I was in a temporary stand still then there it was tears started falling from my eyes breathe Sash breathe please!!

Diary Entry - June 23rd 2010

It's been a while since I found out what Dan had been doing with Jessica it hurt me so much to know I was having a child with this person that would lie to me he told me it was just going to be me, him and the baby no one else mattered so why is he messing with this whore. The thought of him being with another woman just kept rewinding in my head the more I thought about it the angrier I got I couldn’t hold in my actions it’s like every time I saw her picture or heard her name I snapped and did things that I never thought I would do in my life, I’ve been searching so long for this kind of happiness and I wasn’t going to let no one take this opportunity but you know what they say you are your worst enemy and I am definitely mine. I drove him crazy these past few weeks not realizing that I was driving him away I knew what I was doing was wrong and uncalled for and every time I tried to stop myself id see her face laughing at me everyone that told me I could never be happy no one would love me were laughing at me. So I pushed myself to take action but I could never admit to him that I knew I was wrong I thought he would think I was mental if I told him that I didn’t know what I was doing because I really didn’t and that to me in my book is a mental person, it’s like I completely blacked out. I listened to the voices in my head that told me he was cheating, I’ve been cheated on multiple times so why wouldn’t he be cheating on me I’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch and I knew he was a dime piece someone to treasure and that’s what scared me I wanted him too bad that I drove him away he left me and there is no coming back from that I know that which is why I’m not going to fight for back.

My head is so confusing right now I don’t know who I am anymore looking back at my actions I can’t understand why I did what I did, that’s not me the Sash everyone knew would never go through those lengths so why now, why when I’m finally happy I decided to snap. I snapped because I’m damaged goods I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m not when you’ve been hurt as much as I have you believe that moving on and not giving up is the best option but it’s not if you cannot forgive your ex’s for what they have done, if you do not have the power to forget then there is no way you can live happily with anyone until you have solved that issue within yourself and it’s too late for me now. He was everything I ever wanted from the first time I saw him I knew there was something about him but I threw it away. God is constantly giving us things but we throw them away without even realizing and we turn around and say he never does anything for us he is constantly working to help us and we do things like his throw it away.

Don’t get me wrong if he walked through my door right now and told me he wanted to give it another go I would be so happy but that’s a long shot and the best thing for me to do now is to just accept the fact that he is gone, I just hope whoever he finds can make him happy he is the kind of love that I will never forget I don’t know if he felt the same way about me but I know that every thought of him put a smile on my face remembering the times we’ve had together the times we laugh, he may have said some hurtful things but that’s what happens when you’ve pushed someone to the edge.

I just have to think about my child now I’m sure he will be here for him/her even if we can’t be together but who knows what the future holds.

IM SORRY!!! <<<

Diary Entry - May 28th 2010

My second scan and Dan has decided to come up for it he’s actually trying to be involved we have spent a lot of time together these past few weeks and I feel so lucky to have him around he is an amazing guy, he takes me out for dinner, he takes me to the movies he does anything he can to keep me happy and comfortable, he says he wants a boy and typically I want a girl my own little princess. He has a good job so I am quite certain we will be okay he has started saving already for this baby and he hasn’t even been out to the club once I feel blessed. my friends have been complaining a little they feel like I have abandoned them ever since Dan 'decided' to get on the scene I love them for all the support they have given me and I will never forget it but right now this is what I need my baby’s father by my side we created this so we have to stick together for the baby’s sake.

We went into the room for the scan Dan was shaking like a leaf I wasn’t really that nervous today I know the routine he held my hand as I laid down he never let go, whilst the nurse was looking for the baby I glimpsed him at the corner of my eye looking at me with the cheesiest smile on his face I know that look could he be falling for me right now, my life couldn’t get any better. She found the baby and its heartbeat was so loud today Dan couldn’t believe it he kept smiling and he kissed me on my forehead then the smiles couldn’t stop the room was just filled with so much happiness I just wanted to live in this moment forever. 

He dropped me off at Liz’s house Emily was there too since they have been complaining I thought I might as well go see what’s up so they can lay off me a little bit. Emily had a stink look on her face like she just rubbed her head in a bag of shit what was her problem she should be happy for me, "so how was the scan, baby alright and everything" she asked "yh the baby is fine" I was slightly confused at this point they were looking at me like they had something to tell me but they didn’t know how, that guilty feeling like whatever they are about to tell me would possibly break my heart.

They told me a name that would have my world crashing down in an instant "it’s Jessica", what could she have to do with my life now I can’t stand that girl she’s trouble, they told me that the same guy that she was talking about having a one night stand was Dan, I kind of knew that already from the things that were revealed the night after I met him "that in the past I know about that already, I don’t care about that anymore" I pleaded, they explained to me more "they have been seeing each other ever since and she feels that she might be pregnant, we are not sure she hasn’t taken a test but that’s the word" my heart sank my happy families theory had gone down the drain but I couldn’t be mad at him it’s not like we are together I might be pregnant with his child but that’s it that’s all I am a baby mama.

LAURYN HILL-TO ZION

The Most Precious Thing In The World Is What God Has Blessed A Woman With The Chance To Be A Mother

Diary Entry - May 2nd 2010

It’s my first scan today and I’m actually excited, it was weird walking into a hospital without someone actually dying or in pain I saw a new side to the medical world a positive side life was being welcomed into the world, there were a lot of mums with their husbands/boyfriends and it didn’t really bother me that much I just wanted to know how my baby was doing. my mid-wife was freaky looking she looked like she was the geek in her school back in the day but never actually grew out of it looks like those are still the same glasses she wore too I could just imagine the label on it 1977 or something or maybe she’s older than that I don’t know but she’s nice, I expected her to treat me like crap considering I’m a teen mom well I don’t feel it’s that bad I am 19 but it’s still frowned upon especially because the area I live in is Christian orientated it’s more of the sex before marriage part that bothers them most but they respect me for not having an abortion so I’m good. Who really cares what anyone else has to say anyway it’s my life and I will live it however I want to. Emily hasn’t spoken to me much since she found out my decision she’s not too pleased but if she was really my friend she would be here for me so I’m not going to force my friendship on her if she doesn’t want it then so be it.

They called my name Liz got up I think she was a little too excited about this maybe even more than I am but I’m glad for the support. We entered a cozy room down the hall it was kind of dark but that didn’t bother me I just wanted to get on with it. The nurse laid me back and squeeze some gel like thing on my belly it was freezing she said it was called well I can’t really remember so moving on. Took her a while to find the baby it was getting me a bit scared/anxious I thought something might be wrong but she assured me that everything was fine. "there it is" she said she turned up the volume it was like watching a movie and as soon as I heard the baby's heart beat tears fell from my eyes I could believe it that’s life.

After all that excitement it was time to go home she gave me a photo to carry with me of the baby it looked like a tiny peanut was growing in me it’s amazing to know that will grow into a human soon and it’s up to me to take care of it till its 18 god that’s a long time but I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end. as soon as I got home I couldn’t wait to share my experience with my mom I knew she had been through all of that before with me but it felt nice talking about it to her and she seemed excited too that’s a good sign right. I really felt like I needed to go to sleep who knew this lil thing could drain me out so quickly, so I went straight to my bed id had enough excitement for one day.

It was around 2 am when I felt my phone vibrating who the hell could be calling me at this time are they crazy, I picked up the phone without even looking at it "hello who’s this" I asked "its Dan" I felt paralyzed by the shock that was the last person I expected to hear from why is he calling me now "did you get rid of it then" oh so he’s calling to make sure that this problem has gone away typical man doesn’t surprise me I suppose he was acting like a complete ass when I told him I was pregnant "no I’ve decided to keep it" he remained silent and I could help but grin imagining the horrified look on his face right now I wish he was here in flesh so I can experience that glorious moment "good I was hoping you hadn’t" hold on did he just say what I thought he just said I had to ask him to repeat himself just in case I didn’t hear properly "I was thinking and, I shouldn’t have spoken to you in that manner..." wow he sounds educated maybe he aint as dumb as I thought he was "... since you have decided to keep the baby I will support you on this so don’t be afraid to call me if you need anything ok" I was stunned didn’t even know what to say I just closed the conversation by saying "ok" he said a quick goodbye and hung up the phone. it took me hours literally to get back to sleep did that really just happen that’s like the icing on the cake I just hope everything will run smoothly from now on.