Diary Entry - June 23rd 2010

It's been a while since I found out what Dan had been doing with Jessica it hurt me so much to know I was having a child with this person that would lie to me he told me it was just going to be me, him and the baby no one else mattered so why is he messing with this whore. The thought of him being with another woman just kept rewinding in my head the more I thought about it the angrier I got I couldn’t hold in my actions it’s like every time I saw her picture or heard her name I snapped and did things that I never thought I would do in my life, I’ve been searching so long for this kind of happiness and I wasn’t going to let no one take this opportunity but you know what they say you are your worst enemy and I am definitely mine. I drove him crazy these past few weeks not realizing that I was driving him away I knew what I was doing was wrong and uncalled for and every time I tried to stop myself id see her face laughing at me everyone that told me I could never be happy no one would love me were laughing at me. So I pushed myself to take action but I could never admit to him that I knew I was wrong I thought he would think I was mental if I told him that I didn’t know what I was doing because I really didn’t and that to me in my book is a mental person, it’s like I completely blacked out. I listened to the voices in my head that told me he was cheating, I’ve been cheated on multiple times so why wouldn’t he be cheating on me I’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch and I knew he was a dime piece someone to treasure and that’s what scared me I wanted him too bad that I drove him away he left me and there is no coming back from that I know that which is why I’m not going to fight for back.

My head is so confusing right now I don’t know who I am anymore looking back at my actions I can’t understand why I did what I did, that’s not me the Sash everyone knew would never go through those lengths so why now, why when I’m finally happy I decided to snap. I snapped because I’m damaged goods I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m not when you’ve been hurt as much as I have you believe that moving on and not giving up is the best option but it’s not if you cannot forgive your ex’s for what they have done, if you do not have the power to forget then there is no way you can live happily with anyone until you have solved that issue within yourself and it’s too late for me now. He was everything I ever wanted from the first time I saw him I knew there was something about him but I threw it away. God is constantly giving us things but we throw them away without even realizing and we turn around and say he never does anything for us he is constantly working to help us and we do things like his throw it away.

Don’t get me wrong if he walked through my door right now and told me he wanted to give it another go I would be so happy but that’s a long shot and the best thing for me to do now is to just accept the fact that he is gone, I just hope whoever he finds can make him happy he is the kind of love that I will never forget I don’t know if he felt the same way about me but I know that every thought of him put a smile on my face remembering the times we’ve had together the times we laugh, he may have said some hurtful things but that’s what happens when you’ve pushed someone to the edge.

I just have to think about my child now I’m sure he will be here for him/her even if we can’t be together but who knows what the future holds.

IM SORRY!!! <<<