Diary Entry - June 23rd 2010

It's been a while since I found out what Dan had been doing with Jessica it hurt me so much to know I was having a child with this person that would lie to me he told me it was just going to be me, him and the baby no one else mattered so why is he messing with this whore. The thought of him being with another woman just kept rewinding in my head the more I thought about it the angrier I got I couldn’t hold in my actions it’s like every time I saw her picture or heard her name I snapped and did things that I never thought I would do in my life, I’ve been searching so long for this kind of happiness and I wasn’t going to let no one take this opportunity but you know what they say you are your worst enemy and I am definitely mine. I drove him crazy these past few weeks not realizing that I was driving him away I knew what I was doing was wrong and uncalled for and every time I tried to stop myself id see her face laughing at me everyone that told me I could never be happy no one would love me were laughing at me. So I pushed myself to take action but I could never admit to him that I knew I was wrong I thought he would think I was mental if I told him that I didn’t know what I was doing because I really didn’t and that to me in my book is a mental person, it’s like I completely blacked out. I listened to the voices in my head that told me he was cheating, I’ve been cheated on multiple times so why wouldn’t he be cheating on me I’m not the prettiest girl in the bunch and I knew he was a dime piece someone to treasure and that’s what scared me I wanted him too bad that I drove him away he left me and there is no coming back from that I know that which is why I’m not going to fight for back.

My head is so confusing right now I don’t know who I am anymore looking back at my actions I can’t understand why I did what I did, that’s not me the Sash everyone knew would never go through those lengths so why now, why when I’m finally happy I decided to snap. I snapped because I’m damaged goods I thought I was ready for a relationship but I’m not when you’ve been hurt as much as I have you believe that moving on and not giving up is the best option but it’s not if you cannot forgive your ex’s for what they have done, if you do not have the power to forget then there is no way you can live happily with anyone until you have solved that issue within yourself and it’s too late for me now. He was everything I ever wanted from the first time I saw him I knew there was something about him but I threw it away. God is constantly giving us things but we throw them away without even realizing and we turn around and say he never does anything for us he is constantly working to help us and we do things like his throw it away.

Don’t get me wrong if he walked through my door right now and told me he wanted to give it another go I would be so happy but that’s a long shot and the best thing for me to do now is to just accept the fact that he is gone, I just hope whoever he finds can make him happy he is the kind of love that I will never forget I don’t know if he felt the same way about me but I know that every thought of him put a smile on my face remembering the times we’ve had together the times we laugh, he may have said some hurtful things but that’s what happens when you’ve pushed someone to the edge.

I just have to think about my child now I’m sure he will be here for him/her even if we can’t be together but who knows what the future holds.

IM SORRY!!! <<<

Diary Entry - May 28th 2010

My second scan and Dan has decided to come up for it he’s actually trying to be involved we have spent a lot of time together these past few weeks and I feel so lucky to have him around he is an amazing guy, he takes me out for dinner, he takes me to the movies he does anything he can to keep me happy and comfortable, he says he wants a boy and typically I want a girl my own little princess. He has a good job so I am quite certain we will be okay he has started saving already for this baby and he hasn’t even been out to the club once I feel blessed. my friends have been complaining a little they feel like I have abandoned them ever since Dan 'decided' to get on the scene I love them for all the support they have given me and I will never forget it but right now this is what I need my baby’s father by my side we created this so we have to stick together for the baby’s sake.

We went into the room for the scan Dan was shaking like a leaf I wasn’t really that nervous today I know the routine he held my hand as I laid down he never let go, whilst the nurse was looking for the baby I glimpsed him at the corner of my eye looking at me with the cheesiest smile on his face I know that look could he be falling for me right now, my life couldn’t get any better. She found the baby and its heartbeat was so loud today Dan couldn’t believe it he kept smiling and he kissed me on my forehead then the smiles couldn’t stop the room was just filled with so much happiness I just wanted to live in this moment forever. 

He dropped me off at Liz’s house Emily was there too since they have been complaining I thought I might as well go see what’s up so they can lay off me a little bit. Emily had a stink look on her face like she just rubbed her head in a bag of shit what was her problem she should be happy for me, "so how was the scan, baby alright and everything" she asked "yh the baby is fine" I was slightly confused at this point they were looking at me like they had something to tell me but they didn’t know how, that guilty feeling like whatever they are about to tell me would possibly break my heart.

They told me a name that would have my world crashing down in an instant "it’s Jessica", what could she have to do with my life now I can’t stand that girl she’s trouble, they told me that the same guy that she was talking about having a one night stand was Dan, I kind of knew that already from the things that were revealed the night after I met him "that in the past I know about that already, I don’t care about that anymore" I pleaded, they explained to me more "they have been seeing each other ever since and she feels that she might be pregnant, we are not sure she hasn’t taken a test but that’s the word" my heart sank my happy families theory had gone down the drain but I couldn’t be mad at him it’s not like we are together I might be pregnant with his child but that’s it that’s all I am a baby mama.

LAURYN HILL-TO ZION

The Most Precious Thing In The World Is What God Has Blessed A Woman With The Chance To Be A Mother

Diary Entry - May 2nd 2010

It’s my first scan today and I’m actually excited, it was weird walking into a hospital without someone actually dying or in pain I saw a new side to the medical world a positive side life was being welcomed into the world, there were a lot of mums with their husbands/boyfriends and it didn’t really bother me that much I just wanted to know how my baby was doing. my mid-wife was freaky looking she looked like she was the geek in her school back in the day but never actually grew out of it looks like those are still the same glasses she wore too I could just imagine the label on it 1977 or something or maybe she’s older than that I don’t know but she’s nice, I expected her to treat me like crap considering I’m a teen mom well I don’t feel it’s that bad I am 19 but it’s still frowned upon especially because the area I live in is Christian orientated it’s more of the sex before marriage part that bothers them most but they respect me for not having an abortion so I’m good. Who really cares what anyone else has to say anyway it’s my life and I will live it however I want to. Emily hasn’t spoken to me much since she found out my decision she’s not too pleased but if she was really my friend she would be here for me so I’m not going to force my friendship on her if she doesn’t want it then so be it.

They called my name Liz got up I think she was a little too excited about this maybe even more than I am but I’m glad for the support. We entered a cozy room down the hall it was kind of dark but that didn’t bother me I just wanted to get on with it. The nurse laid me back and squeeze some gel like thing on my belly it was freezing she said it was called well I can’t really remember so moving on. Took her a while to find the baby it was getting me a bit scared/anxious I thought something might be wrong but she assured me that everything was fine. "there it is" she said she turned up the volume it was like watching a movie and as soon as I heard the baby's heart beat tears fell from my eyes I could believe it that’s life.

After all that excitement it was time to go home she gave me a photo to carry with me of the baby it looked like a tiny peanut was growing in me it’s amazing to know that will grow into a human soon and it’s up to me to take care of it till its 18 god that’s a long time but I’m sure it will all be worth it in the end. as soon as I got home I couldn’t wait to share my experience with my mom I knew she had been through all of that before with me but it felt nice talking about it to her and she seemed excited too that’s a good sign right. I really felt like I needed to go to sleep who knew this lil thing could drain me out so quickly, so I went straight to my bed id had enough excitement for one day.

It was around 2 am when I felt my phone vibrating who the hell could be calling me at this time are they crazy, I picked up the phone without even looking at it "hello who’s this" I asked "its Dan" I felt paralyzed by the shock that was the last person I expected to hear from why is he calling me now "did you get rid of it then" oh so he’s calling to make sure that this problem has gone away typical man doesn’t surprise me I suppose he was acting like a complete ass when I told him I was pregnant "no I’ve decided to keep it" he remained silent and I could help but grin imagining the horrified look on his face right now I wish he was here in flesh so I can experience that glorious moment "good I was hoping you hadn’t" hold on did he just say what I thought he just said I had to ask him to repeat himself just in case I didn’t hear properly "I was thinking and, I shouldn’t have spoken to you in that manner..." wow he sounds educated maybe he aint as dumb as I thought he was "... since you have decided to keep the baby I will support you on this so don’t be afraid to call me if you need anything ok" I was stunned didn’t even know what to say I just closed the conversation by saying "ok" he said a quick goodbye and hung up the phone. it took me hours literally to get back to sleep did that really just happen that’s like the icing on the cake I just hope everything will run smoothly from now on.

Diary Entry - April 21st 2010

This decisions is much harder than I thought it would be they make it seem so easy just get rid of it and your life will be fine ok I get that part but I never realized how hard it would be to actually pick up the phone and dial the number. I know keeping it would be a struggle not having any support from the father and I don’t really want to count on benefits like the average Joe that’s not me I’d rather depend on myself to take care of my child hand me downs NO WAY. I have one friend telling me not to keep it I’m way too young what will I do about university, a job, a house and I have another friend telling me that anything is possible if I have the will power then it can be done and I will be happy with my child they made some good points but they weren’t much help either. I spoke to my mom about the decision and how hard it is she asked me “what feels right” that changed my whole prospective, instead of thinking about what I should do and what everyone else would want me to do I’m going to decide on my heart what does the heart want what feels right to me.

This was way too draining I need a break from all the thinking I was only 2 months pregnant I had at least 1 more left to make a decision a day wouldn’t hurt. My friends and I decided to go to our favorite restaurant in town they must of felt sorry for me or at least thought I’d need all the money I could get so they offered to pay for my meal I didn’t like the idea of them treating me like a charity case but it was kind of fun watching them run around like little chickens trying to make me happy for once so I went along with it. I ate so much food that my belly almost popped they look at me as if I was crazy “what I’m eating for two” I said they shook their heads and looked away laughing it was hilarious. It was around 9 and I really didn’t want to go home yet me plus a boring house equals thinking no way not going through that I knew I couldn’t drink until I made a decision but that doesn’t mean I can’t go out and have fun, so I suggested to the girls that we should go out in the town they looked well up for it but they didn’t want to go because they didn’t want to put the baby in danger I told them “you either come with me or I’m going by myself I’m pregnant not old” they just laughed and said OK.

It was a special night on tonight everyone was there and the people that knew me kept staring at me like I was some sort of celebrity like they were shocked to see me there, I guess my secret was out then, nothing can ever remain a secret in this town everybody knows everybody’s business you get found out before you even commit the crime it’s a shame. I carried on anyway as if nothing was different they had to notice I was only drinking water but really who cares if I do keep this baby I’m going to be as big as a balloon anyway so who cares. 2 hours into the night and I felt so drained I just wanted to sleep curse these pregnancy symptoms I guess it’s time for me to leave but the night spent was worth it I actually had fun considering everything else that was going on. It made me realize one thing though even though I’m pregnant I made a choice to go out tonight and I knew when to say when and I’m still alive if I kept this baby it cannot stop me from living completely but then again if I got rid of it I would be able to party as much as I want without having to think of anything else. Damn more thinking….

The next day I picked up the phone finally and dialed the number I had made a decision and I was pretty sure this is exactly what I wanted I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass “hello North Division Hospital, how can I help you”…

Diary Entry - April 13th 2010 (Continued...)

Nothing came from his mouth, it was just pure silence I wanted him to say something anything what could he really be think right now, I can’t even hear him breathe and my heart is pumping faster and faster I just want him to say something "hello" I said anxiously waiting for a reply "I’m going to call you back" he said and hung up the phone without even a second thought. So much was running through my mind at this point is he going to call back? Is he going to change his number? I do not know what he is going to do it not like I know him I have no idea how he reacts to things which scares me even more the thought that I will be alone through all of this.

my phone started to vibrate it was a text message from Dan it said 'It's not mine leave me alone' those words pierced through my heart how could he say that, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling he had hurt me in the worse possible way he’s denying his baby and he is basically titling me as a whore. On one hand I really don’t blame him for feeling that way we did sleep together the first night we met but on the other hand he doesn’t know how that night made me feel. so what am I going to do I’m a now in the category of a single mother and I have no idea if I want to keep this child or not I thought he could help me with this decision but now that he is out of the picture what do I do now.

Well since I wasn’t going to get any kind of support from Dan I figured it was time to let my parents know I made my way into the kitchen and cooked up some of their favorite foods chicken, mash, rice and some Irish puddings. just as I was about to turn off the stove my mom stepped in she had a puzzled look on her face and I knew exactly what she was thinking 'what has she done' but she didn’t say a word she just said hello and marched up to her room to get out of her work cloths my dad wasn’t behind her so I guess he’s working late tonight.

I decided to share the dinner out anyway so me and my mom can do some bonding, we sat down around the table just as I was about to take a bite my dad walked in he’s is very greedy by the way so as soon as he smelt the food he made his way into the kitchen to get his share and took a seat right next to me. the dinner wasn’t how I expected it to be the food was banging but everyone was quiet, I knew they had something on their minds mom was looking at dad and he was looking back I knew they wanted to say something but I had to make the first move get straight to the point "I know you guys must have your suspicions as to why I have done this, yes I do have something to tell you guys and I’m not going to beat around the bush, well not too much I have got myself into a bit  of trouble..." as soon as I said that my mom dropped her fork and started crying "what is it mom" I asked her "I know what you’re going to say, your pregnant aren’t you" ok so it’s either my mom is physic or she’s been spying on me "how did you know" I asked, she said "I could tell by the look in your eyes" BULLSHIT I thought but I didn’t want to start an argument so I just nodded my head she started crying and went outside for a fag my dad joined her I guess he wanted to calm her down.

after about an hour of waiting and biting off my nails they came back it my mom wasn’t crying anymore she came over to me and hugged me, she said "no matter what you decide to do we will be there for you" that was very shocking didn’t expect that sort of reaction at all I thought the house would be smashed into pieces by now but they kept their calm dad didn’t look too happy though he just went straight to bed after that but at least that’s done my parents know so all that’s left to do is make the decision.....

Diary Entry - April 13th 2010

I’ve decided to tell Dan the news still a bit shook and even though I have my girls helping me and comforting me I doesn’t feel right him not knowing that he is going to be a father, I feel like I need him right now he may not be my boyfriend but he is the father of my child we both got into this and it’s not fair for me to put myself through this struggle on my own whether I decide to keep it or not. but how do I tell him I still haven’t figured that part out yet it has been 2 months he might have forgotten who I was by now, and I deleted his number so I have to break it to him through inbox?? That’s not right I have to find another way...

I remembered Liz and his friend were together that night maybe, hopefully she will still have his number that ill a bigger chance of getting in touch with Dan fingers crossed... it wasn’t easy getting the number from Liz she can be so stubborn at times she started asked me a ton of questions like she was Sherlock or something, is she crazy I don’t know much about pregnant women but I know the first rule is 'Do not piss them off' and she’s doing exactly that I really want to just punch her and tell her to give me the number before I kill her but you know what she’s my friend no matter how dumb she is SMH... after a very very long time of trying she finally gave in and gave me the number I do not know why she cared anyway it’s not like she likes him in fact she hates him and I certainly do not like him no way I have taste.

I rang him as soon as I got home damn I should have known it wasn’t going to be so easy, as soon as I mentioned who I was its like his brain just shut away from the purpose of this call, I would ask him for the number he would turn it around to make it all about him is he really tryna chat me up right now I can’t even get mad at him because then he definitely wouldn't give me the number so I got to keep calm, do the whosa thing from Bad Boys and stick it out I wanna just kick him through the phone right now, he was just yapping on and on and on about how he liked me first and he wish he didn’t let Dan get to me blah blah, after 10 mins into the call I’d had enough "Are you going to give me the number or should I hang up now" he gave me an answer I really was not expecting "well you since you’re so familiar with the red button press it" he really wasn’t going to give me the number I just hung up I couldn't take the bull anymore on to plan two whatever that is.

I realized I only really have one choice and that was contact him on Facebook but I still refuse to break the news to him online. I sent him a message asking him for his number he replied so I guess he does remember who I am, he sent me the number and wrote 'I thought I’d never hear from you again xxx' that kind of made me smile was he still thinking about me. I waited another day until I called him and as he answered I melted his voice was so sexy but I couldn’t focus on that right now maybe later! We started off with a casual conversation how have you been? How’s school? What’s new? That last question felt like a gate to let him know the purpose of my call I just blurted it out "I’m pregnant".....

Diary Entry - April 1st 2010

Everyday it’s a new thing, everyday your life changes either for the better or the worse but it can never be the same one day my life is going great no problems, next day I find out I’m pregnant, I’m going to be a mother, a life is growing inside me I’m in control of someone else’s life do I chose to kill it, keep it or give it away either way my life will still be affected nothing can make this any better it’s a wound that cannot be healed. I still haven’t told anyone who the dad is yet I haven’t even told the dad, I mean what do I say “oh hello I haven’t spoken to you in a while but uhm, I’m pregnant and it’s your baby catch you later” there is no good way to put this. What is he going to say, what if he doesn’t want to know, he might not even believe me might think I’m playing an April's fool joke on him, I don’t know if I can take that sort of stress right now I have enough to think about rather than worrying about him.  

How do I tell my parents they will be so gutted they've always wanted the best for me better than they have/had they had me when they were teenagers too so they should be able to understand a little but I know they would be so hurt by this, they had to give up their freedom for me, their education and stupid me I repay them by doing this I guess it’s some sort of cycle and I have the choice to stop it or carry it on, what if I curse my child to the same outcome oh god this is hard. It’s so damn easy to lay there and take it but it gets difficult when all those years of mother daughter sex talk goes out the window what a waste.

I’m trying to think of everything that happened that night including the glory details, I have to figure out how this happened, I was so sure we used a condom but then again he was drunk and I was semi-high, I remember him rubbing on me gently, he kissed my neck as he held me tight against his chest, he was so sweet. Ok I gotta focus and stop reminiscing it was half way through and he was about to finish when the condom broke and he took it off and just carried on BINGO!!! There’s the jackpot the stupidity that lead me here damn.

Diary Entry - March 20th 2010

I’ve been so happy lately no drama, no boys everything has been so positive I’m doing better in college, so I’ve been hanging out with my girls enjoying ourselves it’s been nothing but laughs I don’t know what I would do without these girls in my life. Dan has tried to get through to me on Facebook I didn’t reply to his messages he is so annoying he’s commenting my pictures, leaving posts on my wall talk about get over it. He finally messaged me one last time saying "since you don’t want to know me I’m going to leave you alone" relief!! He deleted me off his page but I really do not care I wanted that anyway not like he will be missed out of the 696 other friends on there. let’s see negatives hmmm well there is one thing I had an argument with one of my girls she said I’ve been way too grumpy and just being a bitch to everyone of course I didn’t like that at all and told her drop dead (I really didn’t mean it, it was a spare of the moment thing I reacted way too quickly) I can understand where she is coming from because my mom has said the same thing but like I said before care free I live for myself. 

so in college today they were talking to us about this clinic for teenagers between 13 and 19 called the daisy's what teenager would want to find themselves in a place like that how embarrassing everyone knowing your business and the way these girls talk these days everybody is a hoe everybody "oh that girl lost her virginity she is such a hoe" oh please back story she lost it to a guy you like so you have decided to add the label hoe to her name because you can’t have him haterz! Liz really wanted to go to the clinic to get a check up and as usual she asked me to go with her, she considers me as the cool friend who is down for whatever (but don’t get it twisted I do have my limits) I decided to go with her anyway guess I could do with a check up too it wouldn’t hurt. 

we got to the clinic and to my surprise there were a lot of girls there but what shocked me was that they were all in uniform's I mean really all these girls in high school are (lets use an adult word) sexually active the statistics are just going up by the minute, I see girls just laughing and joking about being there its' nothing funny they could go in that room and come out with information that they have an STD, they could be pregnant or the worst on the list have HIV/AIDS damn if that ever happened to me I think I would die prematurely it wouldn’t need to kill me slowly because I would be dead already. We went to the desk and the receptionist was surprisingly upbeat, for someone that has to work there she seemed a bit too happy for my liking guess she was tryna make everyone feel a bit more comfy. she asked me my name, address and phone number I didn’t see the point in telling her everything it wasn’t like they were that important so I changed my name and address but kept my age and number yes I know what you’re thinking what was the point it made sense to me at the time ok! She gave me a bottle and told me to pee in it; I find that very nasty like who likes doing that ewww still did it anyway but still ewww. we sat there for a good hour waiting for our names to be called I was getting sick of minding this pee in the bottle just wanted to get rid of that thing before I threw up. She finally called my name "Jessica Smith" yes I used my enemies name seemed funny at the time. 

she took me into a small room and sat me down she wasn’t as welcoming as the receptionist she looked at me like a typical teen, she wasn’t so good to look at too I don’t know what her problem is, I hope she hurry's up because her attitude is gonna make me slap the education out of her stupid nurse. she was asking some stupid questions I didn’t find it relevant to what I came for "when was your last period, when was the last time you were sexually active" but I still answered anyway and I knew what she was getting at... pregnancy of course I’m not pregnant but she asked me if I wanted to take a test I answered quickly just to rush this whole event I just wanted to get out of this room. we sat there waiting for the results to come up she looked at it and looked at me then she got up and went into her draw across the room and took out some flyers, she came back to me and sat right in front of me with a caring look in her eyes, what was this woman about to tell me my heart started beating outrageously fast she came out with "it came up positive" I laughed, it didn’t really register in my head what she was saying I thought maybe this was some sort of nurses humor but it wasn’t very funny I looked up and her face was dead serious I stopped laughing at that point OMG I’m pregnant the words just kept going through my head over and over again I’m pregnant, she gave me these flyers to help me make a decision on my next step adoption, abortion and of course keeping the baby I had no idea what I was going to do I came here to check on my health status I wasn’t expecting this at all, I have something growing inside me that’s a huge problem. I left the room and walked straight outside Liz came behind me talking about how the nurse asked her if she wanted a pregnancy test she said yes just to make sure and her test was negative I started crying she asked me what was wrong I whispered softly "I’m pregnant" she looked at me so shocked and hugged me tight, after that emotional scene she asked me "who’s the dad?" then it hit me, I completely blanked out "Sash who’s the dad?" I thought in my head Dan is the father, my one night has left me with the consequences.... WHY?

Diary Entry - February 28th 2010

Today I woke up in my usual I hate the world kind of mood, still abit syked about Friday’s events but I’m slowly getting over it, I haven’t called him I don’t know why because I’ve just been thinking about him constantly, and it wouldn't seem like I’m chasing him down because he has tried to contact me I’ve just been too coward and too ashamed to even call back, what is wrong with me I’m gonna be miserable for the rest of my life, alone with 12 cats in a council hows with two bedrooms hoping/wishing for some company, what a shame. Well I’m living for today not tomorrow men can wait.Today is Sunday and like a good girl I should be going to church and then coming back home to make a lovely Sunday dinner and cozy up infront of the tele with my parents but I’m not a good girl am I so my agenda for today is:

Go to Liz house and get absolutely pissed off my head, you’d think after the other night I wouldn’t drink again that would be a good excuse wouldn't it if anyone found out "I was drunk" but that would make it sound like he took advantage and I was fully sober, ok maybe not fully sober kind of high but still I knew what I was doing. I just hope Liz can allow me to have fun today without talking about the other night and her wildly activities we all know she slept with him and it went wrong but I really do not care, its not like I'm any better now is it but I’m supposed to be the sensible one sure I get drunk in the company of my friends and I smoke but I’m not completely stupid I do know what's right and what's wrong it’s just not easy being sensible all the time sometimes a girl just needs abit of adventure... right? 

So I’m at Liz’s house and then someone starts to knock the door I really thought it was just gonna be us two having a mad night but guess not she invited more company I didn’t mind because they were my girls too Kate and Emily, I just hope they don’t have any questions for me either, they came over with one of their friends Jessica me and Jessica never got on for some reason she thinks I’m a bitch I think she too stuck up not everyone can be friends. I really do think that Liz, Emily and Kate are trying to get us to agree with each other you know kiss and make up but that is sooo not happening I’m too stubborn for that if I don’t like you I don’t like you that it finito end of let it gooooo. She did say to me but I just nodded shes so fake i know for a fact she didn't want to say anything to me, but anyway forget about her she isnt important well atleast I thought she wasn't.

Half way through the night and everyone is toxicated its hilarious Liz is rolling on the floor, Kate won’t stop laughing and Emily is just sat there with a dead look on her face yeah she’s the light weight, I didn’t feel in the mood to get drunk so I just sipped my one glass slowly while everyone else was busy taking shots. We started to play truth or dare, I hated this game because if you choose truth they will try and get the dirtiest confession out of you and god forbid I chose dare I don’t know what they would do to me but I'll just have to stick it out because I kind of knew where the questions would come from so it was dare after dare after dare. Jessica kept choosing truth which was kind of funny knowing your enemies truths she had some saucy ones too, one question stood out though have you ever had a one night stand and with who, she answered "yes with a guy named Dan" my heart started beating out of my chest could this be the same guy I was with now I really feel like a victim, was this really normal for him does he do this all the time?

Everyone conked out by the end of the night except for Jessica and I, I knew I promised myself I would never have a conversation with this girl but I had to ask I just had to know if this was the same guy that got me so i started piling on the questions "where is he from, where did it happen, how old was he, what did he look like?"... she looked at me as if I was crazy she must be think why is this girl asking me so many questions but she went along with it anyway maybe it was the alcohol or she could secretly want my friendship HA! She started describing him she said "he was brown, tall, muscular and he was the perfect gentleman" everything about him was the same I didn’t bother asking anymore questions I was so convinced it was him so why bother. I deleted his number (I couldn't bring myself to delete his Facebook you know just in case) I wasn’t about to try and get close to a one nighter its clear this is just what he does he’s most likely to cheat on me, thank god for this night I could have made a bad decision with this one.

Rihanna - What's My Name? ft. Drake

The One Night

The One Night

They said “NO!”

They told me not to do it.

So why did I?

February 29^th a day to remember a good night planned ahead was finally here club night the last Friday of the month, bring on the champagne we are superstars living it large just the 4 of us no ties, no setbacks just straight fun. So why am I not smiling, well yes they can see me smiling but I don’t feel like I’m smiling I’m unhappy why…. I feel like there is something missing but the mystery is what could it be? “OK, were all set, the cabs here LETS GO GIRLS!!” Emily said with so much excitement. Emily was always the soul of the group she always knew how to make people smile, always managed to keep people laughing in the worst possible situations, but beyond all that she is a great listener she is like the perfect definition of a friend... Well to me anyway. So we are off the cab is very noisy but I can still hear my thoughts, oh god what is wrong with me one night, I just need one night away from everything I can’t even have that. “Oh yes we have arrived drink up girls!!”… Okay that was Liz she is excited about everything, well everything that involves a strong drink and a fag. Well the club looks good tonight great turn out maybe it will be a great night after all just what I needed… Right in I go wish me luck!

WOW it is amazing in here the atmosphere is nice; a glass of Rosé at the door I can get used to this and the guys oh the guys can you say gor-geous! “This Is My Jammm!!” I had to say that it was needed. “Okay so tonight is a special night because we have our ladies from up north and our fellas from down south lets mix it up!” Shouted the DJ. Oh no I hate southerners they always think so highly of themselves just because they live in the “BIG” city oh please we have more class than them. All through the night I had the worst morons approach me asking me for my number or just trying to prove to their friends than they can pull well they tried with the wrong girl because I’m a tough cookie, I’m just here to enjoy myself. My girls look like they are having the time of their lives, Liz managed to find a guy with braids typical just her type I guess not really my style I prefer strong looking men someone who can take care of me you know sometimes you just need that little bit of security. Emily is dancing with Kate when they say we are having a girl’s night they take that to heart and then there is Sam she’s out having her 10^th fag right now she swears she’s not addicted yeah right! Denial usually comes in at this point, and that leaves me by myself with a brandy and coke in my hand by this point I would have found someone to dance with but right now I am not feeling that at all I’m just going to stand here and dance my butt off shake what ya momma gave ya I always say well let’s hope I don’t make a fool of myself because now I’m officially drunk thank you Jack Daniels you’re my hero.

It coming to the end of the night I’m sobering up  the lights are coming on and the DJ has just announced that he is playing the last song for the night well all good things has to come to an end doesn’t it. Liz is all cuddled up with her guy but I don’t trust him he looks a bit dodgy to me and I bet you anything she’s going to say she’s leaving with him, I look around and all I can see is a couple of losers and why is this guy next me trying to touch me, the look I just gave him I would be going home in tears if I were him. “So guys I’m going to go with Chris” says Liz. Told you so I know my friends like the back of my hand. So we are outside waiting for our individual cabs everyone usually stays at mine after the club but today I didn’t really feel like having a sleepover just wanted some quiet time. I’m watching Liz and she looks like she’s about to get some action tonight, why am I even bothered she is a grown ass woman I shouldn’t care about what she’s going to do with her night, why should I mind I’m the lonely one good on her, Damn stop thinking about it, stop! STOP! Sash don’t do it, don’t! OMG here it comes “I think I’m going to go with Liz make sure she gets home safe” Darn there goes my conscience again taking over my mind. I could tell by the look on Kate and Emily’s face that they didn’t want me to go with her but hey I just feel like I needed to, for some reason it feels like that’s what I was called for that’s the reason why we are out tonight for this event to happen. “So where are we going then?” I asked Liz “He said him and his friends are staying in a hotel 10 minutes away” she replied. “A HOTEL LIZ!!” I shouted, is this girl really that stupid she looks like a total whore right now and I’m in the middle of it. Why am I really going to a hotel with this girl? We arrive to the hotel and it was everything I imagined it to be a group of guys outside with their companions (whores) that was abit harsh let’s call them dates that are moving on to the second stage SEX! So I’m here watching Liz and she seems like she really could do with some “love making” right now and I am not going to get in her way maybe I should go, yeah I think I’m going to leave. “Liz, LIZ!” why is this girl ignoring me, I’m just going to text her when I get home hopefully she will be alive by then. Now why is this guy in my way I pushed him away and his friend decides to come along, whispering in my ear how much he wants me, oh god he has bad breath I can smell alcohol” how do I say this politely without starting a fight “No I’m not interested!” he is still approaching me now I’m stuck in-between being scared, angry and just wanted to hurt somebody why won’t he leave me alone. “Can I have a hug?” okay so who is this guy I turned around and saw his brown complexion and his biceps were just calling my name “yes!” I replied with no hesitation. When he touched me I felt this warmth, this kind of feeling that you only experience once in a lifetime the last time I had a feeling like this was with my first boyfriend Josh. He asked me to go with him and I did but why am I going with him it’s like I’m under his spell, Oh god he must be some sort of wizard or something why is this so easy just turn back it’s not too late, just go home, he touched my waist as we left the elevator (I didn’t even realize we had gotten that far) and that touch felt so nice he has this strong but gently touch that just makes me weak. As we entered the room I knew it was too late to turn back but whatever I did in that room should be nothing more than a hug or a kiss.

As we walk into the room I can instantly tell this guy is put together I mean it’s a hotel room and it looks like his place keeping it all nice and tidy or maybe he got it ready for the sucker that felt for his charm and that sucker tonight unfortunately is me. Everything he is saying to me I have heard it a million times before I just broke up with my boyfriend literally 3 days ago. We broke up over the phone I was in London and he used that opportunity to start being a jerk so we broke up I knew exactly why he was acting like a complete ass he was facing a 5 year jail sentence and I knew it was going to happen it kind of sucked we had our eyes on each other for 6 years and we finally got together and he got arrested doesn’t surprise me I have bad luck with men period! So he is still talking and I’m trying to take in what he is saying to me but I can’t help but think that he is feeding me a lot of bullshit right now I don’t even think he told me his right name Dan he doesn’t even look like a Dan he could of at least made an effort to make up a name that is actually believable. KNOCK KNOCK… he looks kind of angry that someone is at the door right at this moment tryna mess up his game… thank god! He opens the door and here come Miss Liz she doesn’t look too happy I knew that guy was a jerk, and she wants to go home at this point Dan is tryna get them out of the room and for some reason I actually want them to go but how do I do that without causing an argument I just went with the flow and as soon as she said “Sash can you call me a cab” I was right on it, so finally I called her a cab and sent her home after all that dilemma we are alone again and I’m kind of nervous but relieved at the same time there’s just something about Dan that’s keeping me here and I am not leaving until I find out what that is. So he is getting ready to have a smoke and I feel so nervous right now that seems like a good idea so I’m going to join this feels nice it’s like I’ve known him forever I’m starting to feeling comfortable just talking and having fun I don’t believe in love at first sight but this could be something close.

After all that talking and getting to know each other there were a sudden silence and I could see it in his eyes that he’s ready for the next step. He approaches me slowly and before I knew it he was kissing me and I was actually kissing back I felt lifted, it didn’t just feel like a kiss it felt like I was in heaven how was this happening I wanted him, I wanted him so bad but can I go through with it can I?... I really didn’t want this to go any further but the way it’s looking I know something is going to happen tonight.

I’m lying here with my clothes off I turn round and he is beside me we actually did it, we went there and I can still see everything visually in my head I don’t know whether to feel ashamed, embarrassed or impressed. But I knew it definitely happened and I can’t believe I’m saying this but it was soooo good. I’m scared to close my eyes because every time I do I can still feel him my body is uncontrollable as the after effects takes its course my body is still full of pleasure I feel like any moment now I’m just going to scream! It’s still dark outside and I thought about just getting up and leaving without a word but that didn’t feel right I should at least get his number… shouldn’t I. I was watching him sleep in amazement where did this guy come from it’s like he was crafted into this dreamy image I see, he has a tattoo on his arm I remember squeezing while we were you know, I could still feel my hands on his sacrospinalis. I wanted to get to know this guy he could be everything I need.

The sun is starting to come up and I look like a train wreck I have no hair products, no makeup all I have in my bag is 2 cigarettes, a lighter, my keys, my phone, a gum, my money and some lip gloss. I’m just going to have to work with the lip gloss for now. In the bathroom I couldn’t even see what I was doing I was in the dark for so long and this bright light was killing me, I was so paranoid every move he made I would pause and look out to see if he had woken up yet luckily he didn’t I brushed my hair with my fingers, got a bit of toothpaste I created my cheap ass version of a mouthwash because morning breathe was not what I wanted him to wake up to, but even with all of that I refuse to open my mouth and if I have to say anything I will NOT be facing him. Just in time he wakes up I think his phone rang or something I was worried that maybe he had a girlfriend and she was trying to get hold of him that would make me feel even worse, a cheap one night stand great just what I needed.

I told him that I wanted to leave I could tell he didn’t want me to go yet maybe he wanted seconds but the truth is I felt nasty I just wanted to go home and wash off. I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about this night not even my best friend the only people that knew about this night were me and him just our little secret that’s if he hasn’t shared it with his boys, then again they aren’t stupid they could of guess and the way I was screaming I think everyone in the hotel knew what was happening in that hotel room. As he walked me to my cab I couldn’t look him in the face I didn’t want him to see in my eyes how much I really wished that didn’t happen but it did so I just have to go with the flow he kissed me goodbye and as the cab drove off I was still looking at the hotel from the rear view mirror shaking my head but smiling because I knew it was over well I hoped it wasn’t.

My battery had died that night and as soon as I got home and switched it on I had a long list of messages and missed calls to go through, Liz was asking what time I got home, Kate was expressing her disappointment blah blah… I was just still focusing on that long shower I was going to have they can wait. As I got out of the shower my mom called me to let me know that Liz called, I thought I might as well call back get it over with “what time did you get home” she asked me, I couldn’t help it I had to lie “I hopped in a taxi as soon as you left”, “oh good I thought you stayed I was getting worried” at that point I knew definitely no1 should know I can’t take all that judging. My phone started vibrating it was a text from Dan he was leaving the area. It was all over and I couldn’t stop thinking about him I just wanted to see him one more time the one night turned into the most memorable night of my life.