Diary Entry - April 21st 2010

This decisions is much harder than I thought it would be they make it seem so easy just get rid of it and your life will be fine ok I get that part but I never realized how hard it would be to actually pick up the phone and dial the number. I know keeping it would be a struggle not having any support from the father and I don’t really want to count on benefits like the average Joe that’s not me I’d rather depend on myself to take care of my child hand me downs NO WAY. I have one friend telling me not to keep it I’m way too young what will I do about university, a job, a house and I have another friend telling me that anything is possible if I have the will power then it can be done and I will be happy with my child they made some good points but they weren’t much help either. I spoke to my mom about the decision and how hard it is she asked me “what feels right” that changed my whole prospective, instead of thinking about what I should do and what everyone else would want me to do I’m going to decide on my heart what does the heart want what feels right to me.

This was way too draining I need a break from all the thinking I was only 2 months pregnant I had at least 1 more left to make a decision a day wouldn’t hurt. My friends and I decided to go to our favorite restaurant in town they must of felt sorry for me or at least thought I’d need all the money I could get so they offered to pay for my meal I didn’t like the idea of them treating me like a charity case but it was kind of fun watching them run around like little chickens trying to make me happy for once so I went along with it. I ate so much food that my belly almost popped they look at me as if I was crazy “what I’m eating for two” I said they shook their heads and looked away laughing it was hilarious. It was around 9 and I really didn’t want to go home yet me plus a boring house equals thinking no way not going through that I knew I couldn’t drink until I made a decision but that doesn’t mean I can’t go out and have fun, so I suggested to the girls that we should go out in the town they looked well up for it but they didn’t want to go because they didn’t want to put the baby in danger I told them “you either come with me or I’m going by myself I’m pregnant not old” they just laughed and said OK.

It was a special night on tonight everyone was there and the people that knew me kept staring at me like I was some sort of celebrity like they were shocked to see me there, I guess my secret was out then, nothing can ever remain a secret in this town everybody knows everybody’s business you get found out before you even commit the crime it’s a shame. I carried on anyway as if nothing was different they had to notice I was only drinking water but really who cares if I do keep this baby I’m going to be as big as a balloon anyway so who cares. 2 hours into the night and I felt so drained I just wanted to sleep curse these pregnancy symptoms I guess it’s time for me to leave but the night spent was worth it I actually had fun considering everything else that was going on. It made me realize one thing though even though I’m pregnant I made a choice to go out tonight and I knew when to say when and I’m still alive if I kept this baby it cannot stop me from living completely but then again if I got rid of it I would be able to party as much as I want without having to think of anything else. Damn more thinking….

The next day I picked up the phone finally and dialed the number I had made a decision and I was pretty sure this is exactly what I wanted I just hope it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass “hello North Division Hospital, how can I help you”…